February I had been laid off my job when I received the phone call that my mother was in the final stage of her cancer. She was too weak for chemo and couldn't stand the pain of being unable to breathe.
So I struggled with finding money to get to see her, hoping for a miracle. Praying to the universe to help her survive somehow like a protagonist in a popular tv show that had under gone a tragic illness. When I arrived March 30th, late at night, she opened her eyes to see me. Everyone left the room. It was just her and I.
And then this song played...
Sometimes she would hide some of my music in her playlists. My mom was a rocker but she was also an anime fan, she loved BJD, Art, music, creativity, jewelry, Final Fantasy .... me.
While I mentioned this song and I showed her the t-shirt I wore because I felt that if I wore it, she would be excited again. We would talk about things again. I would see that sparkle in her eyes when we quoted Monty Python while visiting her pain doctor. She had such a brilliant smile. She was such a wonderful person. She made me feel like I was someone worth loving. I only knew her for 10 years of my life. It was the most love I had ever gotten in my entire life. She changed everything. She made everything just seem... better. when I announced that this was the name I wanted to live with, the amount of joy that filled her expression, the happiness, the tears. It warmed her heart.
I drew there because I could still somehow hear her. I felt her there. Coming back I haven't felt like drawing. I haven't felt like going on for a long while because she isn't here to be proud of me. She isn't here to share the journey. We were supposed to publish things back and forth until all of her books were published. I was supposed to struggle with a better cover for her books. Life has a funny way of reminding you of how little time we all have.
I still miss those long rides in her car, singing rock songs with her on our way to any certain destination. I miss the long 2 hour drive to Paducah as we both grew excited that we were going to finally sell art together at an anime convention.
It's hard to believe she's gone. It's hard to believe I can no longer hear her, be enveloped by her kindness, her love and her care. No one will ever be as proud of me as she has.
After I came back from Kentucky, I learned that my best friend, my companion for almost 19 years, was dying of an unknown disease. I felt overwhelming guilt. It's hard to explain these two important souls in my life without explaining my past, in little detail.
The parents I grew up with were very abusive. They were the toxic parents that applied to many different chapters of the Toxic Parents book that my therapist recommended to me.
The one thing that I had through all my pain, was my cuddly, happy, vocal, loving and unselfish. We played tag together, we talked to one another, I always knew what he was saying. He was my Chewie.
For 19 years he stood by me. Cuddled me when I couldn't take the pain from the parents I grew up with. He stood by me when I felt hopeless, lost and trashed from countless break ups. After the 9th break up I told him that I would be happy if we just stayed together for many long years. My female parental unit (she disowned me on my 18th birthday by telling me she was no longer my mother), had told me that I could never take care of another being because i was selfish and childish and unable to accept responsibility. She had kept his sister. A cranky sick runt from the same litter. His sister has survived him.
After help from many wonderful people in a GoFundMe campaign, which I thought would never work, I was able to afford cremation, a proper service and a mold of his paw.
In this chapter, after grieving for both losses, I was declined a replacement furry friend.
I am currently hoping that I can replace the holes that were left by two wonderful spirits that have kept me alive for so very long. The looks they gave me will never be forgotten.
I knew they had always loved me. I could tell by the way they both looked at me. It's a look that you can't buy, that you can't create or win or work towards. It's something that only another creature could give you through immense amount of trust. I have never found anyone that could open their hearts to me like that.
So with this blog, this statement, although personal, it is something I believe that is vital to anyone who sees this and knows me.
Both souls helped me with my artistic study. Both have taught me things about myself. Both were there, when no one else was. I didn't have to hide anything about myself with either. I didn't have to be someone else or remain a mystery. They knew everything sometimes without me saying a thing.
The only regret I have is that somehow, they might not have known that I loved them.